In a bold move this weekend I gave my number to someone. I never give out my number and have on occasion told men that I was happy with Jesus in my life, I had no room for them. However, this guy is nice, cute, his granny and my granny were pretty good friends, I figured it was worth the chance. But this morning the anxiety hit me. As much as I like this guy and want to get to know him more, I am scared. He is a single dad. Single dads come with a lot of extras; ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, baby’s momma, full schedules that leave barely any time for socializing. This particular single dad comes with an ex-wife wife and three girls ages 12, 10 and 6. I’m pretty sure they won’t like me, if this even gets that far. Besides that I have never dated a single dad and never someone with children so young. Adult children, that’s what I am used to. I don’t know what to expect of him, I don’t know what to expect of myself but I do know that my last real relationship ended in 2009, I rarely like anyone enough to entertain the idea of dating them and I am a lot more capable than I give myself credit for. I’ll just wait and see what unfolds.
Life is about balance.
Being in the last year of my 30’s I have been doing a lot of thinking about how my 20’s were different from my 30’s. In my 20’s I was chasing adrenaline and dreams. I was the most free then. I discovered a lot about me, what I liked, what I didnt. I loved life I got up everyday and lived. I dont ever remember struggling with depression back then.
In my 30’s I moved home. My grandmother needed a companion and although I did not know it at the time, I needed her. I made a lot of rules for myself and started operating two versions of self. The one that was still living and the one that was a solid reflection of my strict upbringing. I was the person others expected me to be with my family and a woman with many vices, with my friends.
Now heading off into my 40’s I am stagnant. I am not sure which move to make next. I am torn between selling the house and wandering the world or staying still long enough to grow roots as my grandmother always told me I needed to do. I need to find the balance of the rest of my life, I need to determine what I want to do more. Do I continue to run, pretending life is ok and will work out even when I do nothing to make it work. Or do I stay still long enough to let someone love me.
Jesus told his disciples that the world would know who they were by their love. That’s what this life is all about, love. The church spends countless hours teaching people how to be married. Seminars, workshops, a teaching series on how to find a spouse, keep a spouse and deepen the relationship with their spouse. Singles ministries teach the proper way to wait on your spouse, but Jesus never said the world would know his followers by their successful marriages, he said the world would know them by their love. What everyone should be teaching is how to love, unconditionally and unselfishly. 1st Corinthians 13 says love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. When we love someone we will support them through the situations of their lives. The chapter also says that love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. When we love someone we will be honest with them and correct them in their wrong. That information right there is enough to examine your relationships. Who do you love and who are you just hanging out with?
This brings us to another important question, “Who are we supposed to be showing all this love to?” Mark 12:31 “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Its the age old question, who is your neighbor? We have no problems loving our families and our friends, but what about everyone else? Do we show the same concern for the people we causally know as we show for our families. When families are going through hard times we offer help. We help with finances. provide a place to stay, make sure others understand our loved ones are only experiencing some setbacks this is not who they are. For others we may pass on a phone number to an agency that may help, our words are often more critical than supportive and often said out of ear shot so we can continue to smile and seem supportive when in reality we don’t care. 1st Corinthians 13:5 “[Love] does not act improperly, is not selfish.”
So. Regarding love…
Lifestyles of the single and childless. Its the name of my blog but I don’t think I have ever written about either subject. So here we go.
Its not often but sometimes I do get asked why I am not married or at least in a relationship. Truth is i am afraid of love. My biggest fear in life is that I will fall madly in love, we will have a few great years together and he will die. I can’t take that type of loss or at least I don’t think I can. That’s not to say I don’t want love, I just don’t know how to push past the fear and say yes to love. Earlier this year a friend of mine died. I almost married that man but I needed him to do one very important thing for me. I needed him to take his health seriously. We had a for real argument in which I told him I would not marry him only to have him die on me. This year he died as a result of the one thing he wouldn’t do for me. When I heard of his death I was sad but also mad and I thought to myself, “I told you so.” His death reinforced my irrational fear. What other ways does this fear mainfest in my life? I only fall for men that are in some way unavailable. The confirmed bachelor, the one that can’t quite decide what they want, the one who”s heart is elsewhere. The list continues. Its a subconscious deliberate decision.
Childless has nothing to do with me. That’s just the way life has played out. However, the older I get the more i think I may not want children. I like the freedom I have of traveling when I feel like it, not buying groceries, living a seemingly carefree life. I would like to have children in my life so my solution, …marry someone’s pop pop. I am going to be a grandma! Its really the best of both worlds. I get to have kids in my life and still get to travel as much as I want. I am pretty proud of myself for coming up with this plan.😊
So that’s my single and childless life. Its not a bad life to have however its about time I shared my space with somebody.
Everyone has a definition of love.
Everyone has an opinion on what love looks like, how others should find it, when they should look for it, etc. etc. etc.
Truth is love comes in many different forms at many different times.
Love may last a short while or a lifetime.
A summer fling is no less love than a 55 year marriage.
There are no rules to love. Love is a feeling followed by action.
Many years ago I lived in Dayton Ohio. During this time I met a very debonair gentleman. He was much older than me, 26 years to be exact. I was 20 when I met him so he was 46 years old. He was tall, attractive, and easy to talk to, just all around my type of man. I have been accused many times of having daddy issues, I don’t, I just like older men because they are stable, know what they want and rarely lie or game to get it. Rules are laid out in the beginning, it’s up to the lady if they are accepted.
By 2003 I had moved back to Columbus but I traveled to Dayton that night to see Denyce Graves, a wonderful Black American Opera Singer. While there I met up with the debonair gentleman, I hadn’t seen him in 4 years. I actually reconnected with him by leaving a message at his job. He called me back, we made plans. That night we went to a Mexican Restaurant in Beavercreek, we had dinner, we spent the night together, what was supposed to be a quiet birthday dinner turned into a seven year affair. From 25 – 32 we met up a couple times a year to enjoy each others company. We shared meals, ideas, trust and love. At some point I wanted more, I knew it wouldn’t come from him, we said our goodbyes’, had a few phone conversations in the year to follow. Then we lost touch. I love remembering him. It brings a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart.
In the summer of 2009 my best friend got married. It was the year before my 32nd birthday, the birthday that we’d decided we would get married if neither of us was married by then. I was so upset when he told me, he was my best friend but I guess I never thought of life without him. I spent the 3 days before his wedding at his new apartment, the one he and his wife would share. She didn’t want to live with him before they were married so she stayed at her parents house in Lancaster. Anyway, in those 3 days we spent together he told me he would call the wedding off if I agreed to live with him. I considered it but in the end told him, if he was willing to give up a lifetime commitment for living together he shouldn’t be getting married.
He’d asked me to marry him a couple years before. I never said no. I just asked him to do a few things before I said yes.
- Go to anger management. His temper often got him fired or had him walking out of jobs.
- Take his health seriously. He was diabetic
- Learn to manage his finances. He always spent money he didn’t have.
He took offense to my requests, we didn’t talk about it again.
That marriage didn’t work out for him. He found out his wife only married him to make another man jealous then he ended up getting the girl he cheated with pregnant. They moved in together and in the early months of 2017 he died. He’d gotten an infection after an amputation (diabetes) went to sleep one night and didn’t wake up the next day. His wife found him like that.
Since I’ve learned of his death I have wondered if we had gotten married would he still be alive. Could I have convinced him to get himself together, would I have been good for him or worse. I just wanted to feel secure in our relationship, as he was, he scared me.
I miss my friend. I love him. What if he was my only real chance.