I’ve become an expert at pushing a wheel chair while pulling a shopping cart. I have become and expert at many things I never thought of doing. Thats pretty much what life does it brings you these “situations”, you can choose to be overcome by them or you can master them. I cant say I have mastered anything, I still struggle with wrapping my head around my life. Its not the life I envisioned for myself and I doubt the life that was envisioned for me. Still its not a bad life, I guess I just havent found that one “thing” that brings it all together, that makes me know that all the things I never had and wont have dont matter because I have everything I need. Admittedly I am not actively looking for that one thing but I wish it would hurry up and get here. I’d like to say something profound and say that while I m waiting I’ll enjoy every moment of life, cherish every breath, smell every flower but I wont because I am not. While I wait I will have happy times but I will also have thoughtful nights. Nights when I’ll stay up too late imagining what life would have been if I had gotten to know my mother or had at least one memory of her. Nights when I wonder how it would feel to conceive, give birth to and raise a child and if I would even make a good mother, could I really do all that. Nights remembering the first time my grandmother called me “that girl” because she couldnt remember my name, wondering where we go from here. One day it will all come together and I’ll know what it was all for. One day, hopefully, maybe.
I’m a big believer in second chances. Thats what a friend said to me, what caused me to realize that in the past I havent been a big believer in second chances and maybe thats the problem.
My dating style is very simple, you have one time to mess up and thats it. I will cut you off before you can protest and never look back. Thats not how relationships work, Relationships are sometimes a struggle. We have to meet the people we want to be in relationship with where they are. We have to be willing to see them through the bad times and the good, even when the bad times are things that are entirely new to us and maybe even a little scary. Thats what love is, its hanging in there through the bad times to get to a happy, peaceful place.
I am now a believer in second chances, being strong for the both of us until we are both “well enough” to be strong for one another.