Confessions

I feel like I am mourning something. I dont know what, nothing tragic has happened still I cant help but to feel very, very sad. Its almost like I am anticipating a life changing event that will leave me a different person.
I have been thinking a lot about my granny, she is getting slower and weaker. I dont want to think about when shes gone but I do and I wonder who will I belong to then. I have plenty of family but all my parents are gone and I have no children. I’m like Jamaica in the Caribbean Sea. Its out there with the rest of the islands but just far enough away from the rest that it looks alone. I feel alone.
On top of that I am losing one of my best friends. He has always been a good to me, except that one time. I could always talk to him, tell him how I really felt. Last time we talked I asked him if his wife knew we still talked, she doesnt like me, he says that the way he sees it shes not going to specifically ask him if he talks to me and he sees no reason to tell her. Jerk! I cant be party to that, women get screwed over enough by men, I cant be the reason another undeserving woman is being done wrong. I am going to miss him. In a twisted way I love him but I have to let him go. That should make the guy I am currently seeing happy. I told him the story of us, he is upset that I find satisfaction in another man. If he wasnt so selfish maybe I could get what I needed from him. I dont think that will ever happen. If we break up and yes I am thinking about it, it will be because the most important thing I need in a relationship I dont get from him and as of right now dont believe I ever will.
Question of the day: How is it that strangers and people I havent seen in years see something is wrong but people I see everyday see my forced smile and assume I am ok.
I think I need a hug and to be heard.