If you really want to know how I feel.

I can write a million blog posts, essays in my head but it seems that the words escape me once I sit down. Maybe its because I have a million things on my mind, maybe its because I over consider who my audience may be. For this post I am just going to write some stuff.

1) a} I have never thrown my 2cents in the ring but the shootings of young black men by officers and civilians is concerning. What’s worse is all the people that “justify” it by saying the young men shouldn’t have done one thing or another.  I cant think of a case where the victim was armed, yet every perpetrator felt they needed to shoot to protect their life. What does this really say about how white Americans view young black men, how much personal knowledge do the majority of whites have about blacks? Too many media images portray us in the worst possible ways. I am a black person, born into and raised in a low income neighborhood and I can honestly say, I don’t know anyone that acts like the folks on TV. Yet strangers expect me to know the latest and hottest rap song, its assumed that I have multiple children by multiple men, that I am a first generation college graduate, the list goes on. I am willing to say that the young victims may have been making some mistakes, most young people do but I cant see where any of them deserved to die.

b}It is different to be black in America, the more people can accept that the faster we can get that fixed. I know so many people just want to say that black people need to act better but until you’ve been black in America or had to stand by a black man through everyday life you don’t get to judge what should be done different.

2) Most people would assume I agree with their politics, most people would be wrong. When voting I vote for the person I think will best represent me. Sometimes that’s a republican, sometimes its a democrat. While I’m all for my taxes dollars helping the needy I believe a few of those dollars need to go to educating them on how to improve their quality of life over time. These classes should be mandatory. Having to get food assistance because its been a bad couple of years is one thing, having it for 20 years when you have no physical or mental barriers to “moving up” in the world, baffles me.

3) I really want to have a baby, that’s no secret. And at this stage in my life I think I would be even more appreciative than if I had had them early. Being up with a child in the middle of the night you know that one day they are going to be older, stronger more independent. You cry when they are screaming at 2am because you want to sleep and you don’t know how to make them stop because they cant talk to you. I’ve never done that with children of my own obviously but on the flip side of that is taking care of an elderly parent. You cry because you know that there is no magic pill that will make this all better tomorrow, this is the decline, it could all be over tomorrow. I’ve done so much I never thought I would have to and one night sat in the floor with my grandmother and cried because “I couldn’t help her”, she told me not to cry it would be alright but she  doesn’t even remember that night happened. I’m glad of that, it was horrible.

4) I had my first and hopefully only experience with a police officer last weekend. He was a jerk. He wanted to take me to a hospital to do a scan because he insisted I was carrying drugs on my person. He said to me “…I am 100% sure you are carrying something, I don’t know what it is but I know you have something…” I told him “You can be 100% sure about whatever you are 100% sure about but I am 100% positive of  the opposite”. The story goes on but it gives me a headache, I just hope I never have to experience that again.


Problems Solved

I’ve been thinking, I don’t want to work anymore. Its not that I hate my job or any of that, I’m just over having to be somewhere first thing in the morning 5 days a week. I am burn out on the routine of every day life.

Here’s what I want to do…

1) Stay home and do crafts

2) shop

3)Watch movies

4) Read. I am so behind. I’ve read 2 books all year. I used to read 2-3 a week

5) Learn to really sew. I’m talking make clothes sew.

6) Grow a vegetable garden

7) Can the vegetables I grow

8) Host a support group at the church

9) Study Theology/Apologetics

10) Relax. I can feel a twitch above and to the side of my left eye, right where the eyebrow starts.

I don’t know how I am going to finance my life of doing nothing. Four of the things on my list could generate income if I got good at them. Maybe I will find a nice old man that needs a companion or I could sell or rent out my house and move back home. Maybe Santa will bring me a sleigh full of money and precious metals. Problems solved.

11 things I know about life

1. It never goes as planned. We are taught from an early age that we need to have a “life plan”. We are supposed to know what we want to do for the next 50 years at age 18, get educated about it and do it. 10 years down the road when it doesn’t work out there we are feeling like a failure when in all truth we should have a plan but we should be taught to be flexible because after all life happens.

2. You have to take chances. Scary I know but no matter what we do we wont always know the right thing to do. Mostly because our hearts and logic will disagree so often. Sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith, ignore the negative talk from others and do what we think is right. If we fail oh well, life happens.

3. Its not fair. I don’t remember anyone ever telling me it would be but for some reason human nature causes us to think we, the individual, are the exception to the rule and everything will always work out just right for us.

4. Life is short. That seems like the most untrue statement ever uttered. I’m probably going to live to be around between 80-90 years. That’s a long dang time to work, pay bills, live. However, during that time there will be and have been periods that I am so consumed with the task at hand(college) or worried about other peoples reactions to my actions that I’ll miss out on doing something I think I would have loved. The time where we live in “freedom” is short.

5.  It changes you. As we age, have new experiences, meet new people, read books, think, etc. we become different people. Sometimes change happens quickly, sometimes it takes its time but no matter change is inevitable. I am not the person I was last year at this time, not to mention 1996 when I graduated high school.

6. Life is what you make it. I’ve met a lot of people in my lifetime. Some had a good life by their standards, some not so much. Truth is whatever may have happened to you, for you, because of you, you are in charge of how those experiences shape your life. A bad childhood doesn’t mean a miserable adulthood unless you want it to.

7. You are not alone. Sometimes we get so caught up in our circumstances that we don’t recognize the people out there that identify with us and want to be there for us. Everyone has a cheer section. Find yours.

8. Life is a never ending journey. If we allow ourselves  the freedom there are always new experiences to be had.

9. Life is a series of lessons. Everyone likes to point out that we learn from our mistakes but we also learn from the good things we do. Every day is an opportunity to learn.

10. One day its all over. I doubt anyone is ever ready which is why its important to really live, not just exist or go through the motions but LIVE.

11. Its all worth it. Good, bad and ugly it all shapes who we are and what we do. Some of it I would never wish on anyone but its up to us not to become victims but advocates for what is good, right and just.