I’ve been having a lot of weird dreams lately and they are all telling me the same thing, I’ve given up. I really already knew this but I am a dreamer so nothing is confirmed for me until it comes to me in a dream. Sometime in November I started to feel like I was just going through the motions of everyday life. I got up, went to work, left work, took care of family stuffs, went to the gym, ate but nothing I did really excited me or mattered. I tried to talk about this to someone and got a lecture on how I needed to figure out what I want to do with my life, “find a job that you love”. I sat there dumb founded, I just switched jobs last year thinking that was going to solve the problem or at least put it at bay for a few years. I love what I am doing, I wish it was busier, but all in all, I am in the correct career field. Life is more than a job people. My problem is that the only things that makes my life significant right now are my job and the church food pantry. I need something more. I need to be loved by someone that loves me without condition. I need to be able to give all of me to another person and be comfortable in knowing that they will not take advantage or misuse me or my love in any way. What I have are people that call when they need me to do something, go somewhere, pick something up, need to talk, need to borrow money, got themselves into something I need to fix. Everyone knows they can depend on me. I know that there are people that thrive on that, they want to be the “go to person” but right now I don’t. I need a “go to”. I need someone to call when I need a shoulder, when I need 5$ until payday, when I have a mess to sort out and don’t know where to start. I had a go to a couple of years ago and like all the people I get comfortable trusting he “went away”. Part of me thinks I should start colleting cats, or engross myself in church and just be a lonely church/cat lady. I cant think of one year in my short life where I was content with everything and maybe that is a character flaw I need to work on but as I keep looking to the sky and asking, when is it my turn be satisfied.