The most important person you need to be honest with is yourself. If you dont like something, say so. If you dont want to do it, dont. And if you love something, shout it for the whole world to hear.
This is me being honest with myself.
I dont like working. I do it because I have to. I think the whole “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” saying is BS. I love doing a lot of things but I dont want to do any of them 40 hours a week. If I run across a nice older man that needs a companion and is willing to spend money, I am going to be the best companion he ever had. And I will never feel that I am cheapening myself.
I want to have a child more than I want to get married. I dont know what being a wife really is but I’m pretty sure I dont want to be one everyday or that I would even be a good one everyday. I think its rare for someone to find one person to be everything they need. Men usually either make me feel safe or are the emotional support and confidant that I need. I’ve only ever known one man that was both. Our relationship was intense. He made me weak all over without touching me or sometimes without even saying a word. Just thinking about him stops my heart.
I’m selfish. Yes, I’m a pretty giving person but I am still selfish. I dont like people to invade my space, I dont like people to touch my stuff or mess with my routines. I want what I want and I usually get it. When I dont I pout, but only at home by myself. I dont need everyone to know how childish I can be.
I’m addicted to male attention. A man had to point this out to me. There is always a man in my life. We dont have to be dating but I cant be a girl with only girlfriends and it helps if he would like to date me or at least want to…whatever. How’d he put that, “…you’re like a cat playing with a mouse, constantly batting at him until you get bored and walk away”. I was offended when he said it but he wasn’t wrong.
I tend to be the person everyone comes to when they need someone to listen but somedays I dont want to listen, I want to be heard. This blog is where I am heard.
I dont talk much about myself, never have. I can know a person for years and they know nothing more than my name and not even that really, people are constantly asking me what the “J” stands for. So, in an effort to be more open here’s everything you need to know about me for now.
- I’ve been to college 3 times. The very first time in 1997 I majored in Electronics Engineering Technology. I carried a B average but dropped out half way through the program because although I could do the lab work, the formulas on paper made no sense to me. The professor did not understand how I came to the correct answers and I couldnt explain it to him. I was probably on the verge of solving half of the worlds problems and just walked away. I had this same problem with chemistry in high school.
- My favorite subjects in high school, literature and social studies.
- I am horrible at spelling. Spell check is my friend.
- I listen to all genres of music except heavy metal.
- I love reading murder mysteries and true crime stories. I think thats why I dont sleep at night.
- Or it could be because I get a burst of energy around 8pm.
- I love to write. Over the years I’ve had lots of great opening paragraphs jotted down on scraps of paper or in journals, one day I will write a book.
- I like discussing things that inspire strong feelings in people. However, I wont argue about anything and if I am over talked even once I will no longer participate in the conversation.
- I like to think before I respond. A disagreement with me could take all day, maybe even the rest of the week.
- I try not to make emotions based decisions. Lately that has been hard. When it comes to my feelings things have been very weird lately. I’m acting out of character.
- I really want to adopt a little girl from Haiti.
- Sometimes I clean the house in my heels, then I take pictures of my shoes while I am wearing them. This make me happy.
- I never liked Mr. Rogers, he was too dang happy and I didnt want to be his neighbor.
- I dont believe in ghosts but I do believe familiar spirits can and will linger once a person has passed on. I dont talk about that with too many people.
- I have at least one weapon for every room in my house.
- I believe our dreams mean something. I remember most of mine in detail, sometimes I write them down.
- I dont cook very often because on the wrong day preparing a meal for one will make me burst out in tears. I’ll order out to save myself the heart ache.
- I cant sleep in silence. The radio is always on very low, most people wont notice it but I hear it.
- I love sounds.
- My dream job if I could do anything, sound engineer.
- I interned at Gotee records 11 years ago now. It was awesome. I also interned at a record company in Atlanta, worked on 2 movies, produced a tv show on public access television and worked at a radio station. I met a lot of cool people during the “fun” time of my life.
- I could live in Nashville again.
- I’m not very good at it but I love to dance, it makes me feel beautiful.
- Its too much work for me to be glamorous but I like to take care of myself.
- The J stands for JaNet. Think Jeanette but spell it the other way.
My dreams are sad and leave me exhausted and crying. I dream my grandmother is only sleeping, she’ll wake soon. Then I awake to reality. Granny’s gone and I’m left to find a new purpose in life. I’ve been doing yoga, losing weight, people are noticing. Ceramics once a week, converting all my emotion into sweat and unfinished clay masterpieces. Recycling all the sadness and loneliness into the positive energies that keep me going everyday.
I know this will get easier in time. I’ll always miss her but I won’t be crippled by my grief. For now, I’ll just keep finding healthy ways to mourn.
This has been a busy week. I am still processing everything and at times it feels as if my mind is going 100 miles a minute. I’m trying to think about too many things at once.
My mechanic is back in town, after 3 months in his native land he’s back in the states and I couldn’t be happier. I love my mechanic, sometimes I just stop by his shop to say hi and we talk. He’s full of wisdom and good advice. I’m glad he’s part of my life.
I went to grief counseling on Wednesday. Two hours of talking to a stranger about me. Thats a lot. I dont talk that much in general but a whole two hours about me. Thats big. One thing she said to me that stands out above all she had to say is that I have to redefine myself. Rediscover who I am and what I like, find out who I really am. It made me excited for tomorrow. I am looking forward to the next few months just to see what I do.
On Tuesday I almost died. I was on my way home from work, I was sitting at a red light, the light turned green and about 5 seconds later I pull out into the intersection. From the corner of my eye I see a SUV coming fast. I panic and stop right where I am. The SUV zooms past me taking off my front license tag as he goes. He did not stop, just kept going. I made it home though I was shaky and scared and all I could do was thank God I’d lived. Had I been paying attention when the light changed or just focused on getting home I would have been far enough out in the intersection to be t-boned right in my drivers side door. God is faithful. (Psalm 91:4)
Those are the 3 big events for the week. Work is good, the cat is alright. I’m trying to figure out whats next.