The fight.

I’ve endured a lot in this life. It feels like I’ve been fighting since the day I was born. I’ve fought for everything I have and opted not to fight for what I don’t have.  Lately I’ve been struggling with a decision,  I want a child but I can’t just get pregnant,  it’ll take money and time. Then when I am pregnant I’ll be high risk from day one,  not because of my age but because of health. It seems unfair that I have to work for what other people get “on accident”. I didn’t feel that I have any fight left in me, I had decided to be content not being a mother,  I had resigned myself not to fight. But Friday morning I woke up to a Facebook notification, a friend had sent me an article about a single woman that decided to adopt a child on her own.  She chose to become a single mother. I cried reading the article,  I  realized that my self pity had caused me to give up on my happiness,  my purpose in life.  I have so much love in me and who better to give it to than a little girl that’s been through a  lot in her short life, a little girl in the midst of a fight.
I needed the reassurance that article gave. I needed to know that I  am needed, that something in this world would be missing if I was not here.
I don’t know where my daughter is or her name but I love her already.
I’m renewed, reassured,  I have found my fight.

Random thoughts to start the weekend

All the things swirling through my mind in the last 24 hours.

  1. Codependency is a real thing
  2. Depression is exhausting
  3. Women have mommy issues too
  4. In order to reach a goal one has to work toward it
  5. The signs/symptoms of cervical cancer just look like stomach problems
  6. Eye drops are awesome
  7. I’ve become dependent on night-time sleep aids. I wonder how long it would take for my body to adjust to falling asleep without them. Can I fall asleep without them?
  8. I love what I do but I don’t want to do it professionally any more.
  9. This year has been bittersweet.
  10. I’m starting a story club, what do I call it?