Year in Review

2015 was a year of emotion. As you all know it started out heavy with my grandmother dying and me privately suffering through it all. Etched in my brain is the hug I gave my grandmother right before she stopped talking, she was lying in her hospital bed, I laid across her and told her I loved her, not expecting her to say anything back when she whispered, I love you too. I laid there and cried I knew we were at the end. She patted my back; the moment was just so sweet. That’s the way I remember my grandmother, the way I will always remember her, she loved me too.

 In the time that followed I grieved hard. Lots of tears, lots of pain, lots of not knowing what was next for me. I had to reorder my entire life. Granny was such a large part of who I was and what I was doing. I had defined myself through my role in her life and without her I was lost. I spent the summer doing things I thought I may like. I found out I love yoga and I like pottery so long as I do not feel obligated to create something. Sometimes it’s enough just to move the clay around. In the fall I began to focus on work and think about moving. I realized I really love what I do, I empower people, I help individuals find the means to a better life.

In the winter I plan to begin taking courses toward a graduate degree in Human Resources Management. With the knowledge and skills I earn from my studies I will work as an employment consultant in a staffing agency, as a corporate recruiter then eventually begin my own staffing agency. I will continue to empower.

Aside from settling on a career, I put more new windows in my house this year, only four left to replace. I also came up with a five year plan to pay off the mortgage, a new design for the kitchen and a plan for the dining room. Remodel will begin in the spring.

I’ve met some really great people this year co-workers, friends and clients. I include friends in this list because I have been more open in relationships this year and as a result I’ve learned more about the people I already knew I loved. People at all levels of life are pretty awesome; they all need to be given a chance. Also, with no details to be given, I have loved foolishly but purposefully this year. No clue why but all things happen for a reason, we don’t always get to know the reason and I am ok if I don’t see the end result of what my care and concern for another person produces. More empowering of people.

This year has been bittersweet. I still and probably always will cry when I think of granny I miss her. Her laugh, smile, sassiness. However, I also found new parts of me, for that I am excited.  In 2016 I’ll see where that goes.

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Joyeux Noel

I’m such a scrooge, thats what I tell everyone. In reality I’m just sad but saying I’m sad will just bring down the room, I dont want to do that. 

On December 30, 1978 my mother died. I was too young to have any memories of her or of the events of that time but every year around Thanksgiving an overwhelming sadness traps me and holds tight until after the new year has begun.

I’m sad and I dont know that I can or that I even want to not be sad.  It is in my sadness that I know her, that I feel her, that I know, that at one point there was someone that loved me unconditionally, my sadness is the only thing that makes her real.

I dont want to bring down the room so… goodnight.