I have been dealing with a lot of personal conflict lately. Its mostly selfishness on my part. I want what I want, in the time and manner that I want it. I don’t tell people, but I am a brat. My entire life feels like a punishment, I didn’t get to have parents, I grew up in an environment that made me feel invisible and devalued, for whatever reason I have never been pregnant, though I have never attempted to prevent pregnancy, my body has taken on illness at a young age, now I am working overtime to determine the why and effective methods of control. The church crowd will say, everything happens for a reason and that God will use my testimony to help others. I asked God why I have to be the one to help others through their mess. I don’t want to be the one that struggles and spends entire nights in tears just so someone else can feel better about their situation. If I have to work through it why cant they. I really did say that. Then I heard the song “Thy Will be Done” by Hillary Scott. That one line ” I know you’re good, but this don’t feel good right now.”, was everything for me. There is purpose in pain. Maybe I need a different view on life, stop being a brat.
After three years of tears and well hidden anger, I asked God for a baby I didn’t have to pay for (adoption is pricey) and someone to be supportive of and concerned for me, someone that will give to me and not constantly take. All of a sudden, I am face to face with both of these people. At first I thought it may be some cruel joke, because of the way my life has gone I’ve trained myself to look for the tragedy. However, it seems this may be the for real, a huge smile is slowly forming on my face. November comes fast, I need a for real job and a list of boy names.