About last night

580383_10200682868573149_923908864_nBack in the summer when I was looking for a job I was worried about what the rest of my life would look like and if I would miss my opportunity to make a difference. That’s all I want to do with my life, make a difference in the lives of others. I knew that I no longer wanted to work in social services, I love working with and helping people but I cannot do it 40 hours a week. While the job I had was needed and helpful to many, I didn’t always feel as if I was helping. The system sometimes works against everyone involved. As a result, I looked for an office job. Something that would pay me what I needed to live and allow me the time to do the things that I wanted. I know many people say that we should work our passions but sometimes a job is just a job and that’s all it needs to be. In late August I started working at the children’s hospital. Its a non-profit and there are many opportunities for volunteering within the organization, the pay could be better but really other than that it’s the perfect job for me. Still I was worried, how will I help others and fulfill that personal need in my life. I took sometime to pray about this, I needed some direction maybe there was an organization or a church with a program I could get involved with. I needed God to tell me what my next move was to be. His response, you are already doing it. I thought about that for a minute and all the young ladies I have had the pleasure of talking with and helping throughout the years came to mind. What do you know I’ve been making a difference in the lives of others for quite some time. Still, I had times when I wondered if the things I said and did really mattered to them, was I deluding myself? Then on Saturday night I went to a friends costume party. I haven’t seen her in a few years and we only say hi on Facebook every once in a while. When we worked together, more that 3 years ago now, we would have these deep, real conversations where we unpacked the realness of who we were and why and shared the wisdom we had each learned from life lived. At the party Saturday I was one of the first guests to arrive. I didn’t know anyone there, I only came to see my friend, not to stay, she was still upstairs getting ready. I sat on the couch for about 20 minutes playing on my phone,  my friend finally made it down stairs and when she saw me she screamed and jumped into my lap and just sat there hugging me tight until I told her to get up. After that the other guests at the party became more interested in who I was, what made me special enough for that dramatic of a greeting. Her reaction was everything for me, it let me know that I was truly making a difference and I realized how much I love her. I think about her and pray for her often because I want the best for her life. It took going to my first Halloween party for me to see myself through someone’s else’s eyes, the best part, I liked what I saw.

That was the clarity, now on to the opportunity.

My grandmother used to always tell me I needed a husband and two or three babies and I would be fine. She swore I was happier when I had a man in my life,(not at all untrue) and would always encourage me to make the effort to find somebody to love. So when I met Mr. L and learned that he had three kids, my first thought was that granny had something to do with this. Saturday night, before the party, Mr. L and I met up. I am not calling it an official date, his grandma had the kids for a couple of hours which gave us a little while to talk. The conversation flowed nicely, nothing was forced and there were no awkward silences. We talked about life, were we are, where we have been, where we are going. It was nice. We were hanging out at his place and with no phone call, no warning, his granny decided she was done with the kids and suddenly there were three young girls, full of energy coming through the door. I think the little one and I are BFF’s now. I wasn’t prepared for “family time” so I decided to go home. Which turned into a 20 minute conversation in the parking lot of his apartment complex, where for some odd reason he decided to pick me up. I am no little girl, so the fact that he successfully did this impressed me. Up about 8 feet off the ground all I felt was excited. I wasn’t scared or worried that he would drop me. I didn’t care if anyone was watching, I was living in the moment and I enjoyed every bit of it. When he let me down I told him we were getting married, he laughed so that’s a good sign…right?

Gaining clarity and taking opportunity, there’s no better way to spend a Saturday night.


Just wait and see

In a bold move this weekend I gave my number to someone. I never give out my number and have on occasion told men that I was happy with Jesus in my life, I had no room for them. However,  this guy is nice, cute, his granny and my granny were pretty good friends, I figured it was worth the chance. But this morning the anxiety hit me. As much as I like this guy and want to get to know him more, I am scared. He is a single dad. Single dads come with a lot of extras; ex-wives, ex-girlfriends,  baby’s momma, full schedules that leave barely any time for socializing. This particular single dad comes with an ex-wife and three girls ages 12, 10 and 6. I’m pretty sure they won’t like me, if this even gets that far. Besides that I have never dated a single dad and never someone with children so young. Adult children, that’s what I am used to. I don’t know what to expect of him, I don’t know what to expect of myself but I do know that my last real relationship ended in 2009, I rarely like anyone enough to entertain the idea of dating them and I am a lot more capable than I give myself credit for. I’ll just wait and see what unfolds.




Life is about balance.

Being in the last year of my 30’s I have been doing a lot of thinking about how my 20’s were different from my 30’s. In my 20’s I was chasing adrenaline and dreams. I was the most free then. I discovered a lot about me, what I liked, what I didnt. I loved life I got up everyday and lived. I dont ever remember struggling with depression back then.

In my 30’s I moved home. My grandmother needed a companion and although I did not know it at the time, I needed her.  I made a lot of rules for myself and started operating two versions of self. The one that was still living and the one that was a solid reflection of my strict upbringing. I was the person others expected me to be with my family and a woman with many vices, with my friends.

Now heading off into my 40’s I am stagnant. I am not sure which move to make next. I am torn between selling the house and wandering the world or staying still long enough to grow roots as my grandmother always told me I needed to do. I need to find the balance of the rest of my life, I need to determine what I want to do more. Do I continue to run, pretending life is ok and will work out even when I do nothing to make it work. Or do I stay still long enough to let someone love me.