About singleandchildless

Having spent too many years working in corporate America I recently quit my job to live and enjoy my life. I am not sure what will happen in the next year or so, my only plan was to work for a Social Services agency. However I have thought of so many things I could be doing right now and so any opportunities have presented themselves, the possibilities truly are endless. I am looking forward to my new life.

Love

Everyone has a definition of love.

Everyone has an opinion on what love looks like, how others should find it, when they should look for it, etc. etc. etc.

Truth is love comes in many different forms at many different times.

Love may last a short while or a lifetime.

A summer fling is no less love than a 55 year marriage.

There are no rules to love. Love is a feeling followed by action.

Love often.

Love honestly.

Love completely.

2003

Many years ago I lived in Dayton Ohio. During this time I met a very debonair gentleman. He was much older than me, 26 years to be exact. I was 20 when I met him so he was 46 years old.  He was tall, attractive, and easy to talk to, just all around my type of man. I have been accused many times of having daddy issues, I don’t, I just like older men because they are stable, know what they want and rarely lie or game to get it. Rules are laid out in the beginning, it’s up to the lady if they are accepted.

By 2003 I had moved back to Columbus but I traveled to Dayton that night to see Denyce Graves, a wonderful Black American Opera Singer. While there I met up with the debonair gentleman, I hadn’t seen him in 4 years. I actually reconnected with him by leaving a message at his job. He called me back, we made plans. That night we went to a Mexican Restaurant in Beavercreek, we had dinner, we spent the night together, what was supposed to be a quiet birthday dinner turned into a seven year affair. From 25 – 32 we met up a couple times a year to enjoy each others company. We shared meals, ideas, trust and love.  At some point I wanted more, I knew it wouldn’t come from him, we said our goodbyes’, had a few phone conversations in the year to follow. Then we lost touch. I love remembering him. It brings a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart.

2009

In the summer of 2009 my best friend got married. It was the year before my 32nd birthday, the birthday that we’d decided we would get married if neither of us was married by then. I was so upset when he told me, he was my best friend but I guess I never thought of life without him. I spent the 3 days before his wedding at his new apartment, the one he and his wife would share. She didn’t want to live with him before they were married so she stayed at her parents house in Lancaster. Anyway, in those 3 days we spent together he told me he would call the wedding off if I agreed to live with him. I considered it but in the end told him, if he was willing to give up a lifetime commitment for living together he shouldn’t be getting married.

He’d asked me to marry him a couple years before. I never said no. I just asked him to do a few things before I said yes.

  1. Go to anger management. His temper often got him fired or had him walking out of jobs.
  2. Take his health seriously. He was diabetic
  3. Learn to manage his finances. He always spent money he didn’t have.

He took offense to my requests, we didn’t talk about it again.

That marriage didn’t work out for him. He found out his wife only married him to make another man jealous then he ended up getting the girl he cheated with pregnant. They moved in together and in the early months of 2017 he died.  He’d gotten an infection after an amputation (diabetes) went to sleep one night and didn’t wake up the next day. His wife found him like that.

Since I’ve learned of his death I have wondered if we had gotten married would he still be alive. Could I have convinced him to get himself together, would I have been good for him or worse. I just wanted to feel secure in our relationship, as he was, he scared me.

I miss my friend. I love him. What if he was my only real chance.

Sometimes God answers prayers and we act surprised.

I have been dealing with a lot of personal conflict lately. Its mostly selfishness on my part. I want what I want, in the time and manner that I want it. I don’t tell people, but I am a brat. My entire life feels like a punishment, I didn’t get to have parents, I grew up in an environment that made me feel invisible and devalued, for whatever reason I have never been pregnant, though I have never attempted to prevent pregnancy, my body has taken on illness at a young age, now I am working overtime to determine the why and effective methods of control. The church crowd will say, everything happens for a reason and that God will use my testimony to help others. I asked God why I have to be the one to help others through their mess. I don’t want to be the one that struggles and spends entire nights in tears just so someone else can feel better about their situation. If I have to work through it why cant they. I really did say that. Then I heard the song “Thy Will be Done” by Hillary Scott. That one line ” I know you’re good, but this don’t feel good right now.”, was everything for me. Hillary Scott – Thy Will Be Done There is purpose in pain. Maybe I need a different view on life, stop being a brat.

After three years of tears and well hidden anger, I asked God for a baby I didn’t have to pay for (adoption is pricey) and someone to be supportive of and concerned for me, someone that will give to me and not constantly take. All of a sudden,  I am face to face with both of these people. At first I thought it may be some cruel joke, because of the way my life has gone I’ve trained myself to look for the tragedy. However, it seems this may be the for real, a huge smile is slowly forming on my face.  November comes fast, I need a for real job and a list of boy names.

Who I Am

I am more than a body.

I am a mind

I am a heart

I am a complex array of feelings

I am complicated.

 

I am more than just a beautiful face

I am intelligent

I am a thinker

I am a doer

I am accomplished.

 

I am more than something to be desired.

I am passionate

I am intense

I am determined.

I am woman, I am me.

 

 

Lovers

I admire people that are lovers. It doesn’t matter if they have been hurt or how often they have tried to love and failed, they still manage to love again. Too many of us give up on love because losing love, getting hurt, feels so bad. Physical pain occurs when a love it lost. It keeps one up at night, causes tears that seem to never end, and creates a sense of diminished self-worth. All these things makes it hard to love again but once you get past the hurt, there are the awesome memories of the good times. The things that make one smile and long to be in love. The bad feelings are temporary, the good memories are forever. Its worth the risk to love again.

I admire lovers.