The good life



2017 is just about over. Christmas is in six days and then we coast into the new year. I have been giving some serious consideration to next year and what I want my 2018 to look like. One thing I have learned in life is that you, yourself have to make life happen. So here’s my 2018 bucket list.

  1. Save more money. I have been looking at various investment apps and listening to Marketplace on NPR just to keep up with what’s going on. I downloaded the Acorns app and am jumping into this full force. I used to have my financial life together, time to get that back on track.
  2. Recently I have lost 41lbs. I am thinking after another 20 I can start toning and defining. I mean, who doesn’t want arms that look like this?cutcaster-photo-100121903-Strong-female-bicep-flexing
  3. I want to write more. I love writing, it’s the only way I thoroughly express and process my feelings. I am pretty sure I can turn this “hobby” into something profitable, I just haven’t figured out what. I’ll be hitting everyone up for ideas.
  4. I’ve gotten into this bad habit of hiding in my house. I used to have a social life but not anymore. I go to work, I come home, I go to church, I come home, if I am already home I stay there. I have become the master of excuses not to go out. I have no gas, need an oil change, broke, none of that stuff ever stopped me before and most of the time it was true, right now its just an excuse. Brothers Drake has a Jazz Wednesday, I think I am going to put on my nice shoes and go mingle.
  5. I need to find me a sweetheart. I have a couple of really good guy friends, they keep me occupied and entertained and while that has normally been enough, it no longer is. There is this one guy I like, I don’t know what’s happening there. We both have walls we need to let down but in general I don’t think he’s ready for all I have to offer. Its ok because I have no plans to give up any time soon and his baby girl likes me. His older two girls, they’re teenagers, I have no idea what they are thinking, they just giggle when they see me. It amuses me but having been a teenage girl I am sure they think there is something more serious going down. I love teenagers.

So there it is in black and white. In 2018 I am getting things done. Living my best life and coasting into middle age in style and with money to burn.



What’s your pleasure




Recently I have become obsessed with cottage chesse. I have it for breakfast and dinner, I actually eat food for lunch. I’ve always hated cottage cheese but suddenly its the best food ever and it gives me great pleasure to eat it. This was weird/interesting to me for two reasons; one I have adopted a healthier way of eating and have not really had “pleasure” in eating in over a year. Two, its cottage cheese, I am pretty sure that’s what little Miss Muffet was eating when that spider scared the crap out of her. Anyway, it made me think. Part of human nature is to seek pleasure, I personally don’t like doing anything that doesn’t bring me pleasure. I don’t do things, go places or build relationships that don’t satisfy me. Our society is built on pleasure, while its good to be happy and feel good about life, some of what society offers crosses the line into hedonism. Its not about being content with what you have and thankful for it but being “pleasured” (for lack of a better word) by it. 1st John 2:16

All these jumbled thoughts made me think of Matthew 5:6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Here is where I am going with all this.

We spend our lives looking for the things that will satisfy us. Be it food, relationships, titles, careers, houses in the right neighborhoods, cars, etc, etc, etc. We are constantly searching for pleasure. Church leaders question how they can raise membership, keep young people interested in church so they don’t leave when they become adults, they try to tell people how “fun” it is to serve God but there is a disconnect. That disconnect exists because people don’t really see where they can find pleasure in living life by biblical standards. Matthew 5:6 tells us, we have to really want it. If we want what God has for us bad enough as we seek and live his will, we will find pleasure. That’s something to think about, something to consider. For me it has not been easy to let go of the things mentioned in 1st John 2:16,  the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life. Those things come with a sense of power, a hunger and thirst for Gods righteousness definitely comes with humility.

Right now I am asking myself, How bad do I want it?





With the end of the year fast approaching its that time when many look back over the year to remember what was good, what was bad and to plan how they will change it all in the new year. I haven’t really done much planning these last two years, I am living in the moment. I don’t dwell on yesterday and I don’t worry about tomorrow. I am just here hoping for the best. However, in 2018 I want my life to look different. A lot of the things I do, the things that “define” me, they aren’t really me, they are just what I do.  I spend a lot of time making sure everyone else is ok, I don’t spend that same time on myself. So, in the coming year I am focusing inward. To love and be loved, to build a community of people that love me for me without trying to change me, to find pleasure in every moment of life and share that pleasure with the one person that makes me feel safe to be me, that is my only plan. Foreigner – I Want To Know What Love Is

Now a few random thought that have nothing to do with this blog but they are in my head.

  1. After 28 years Keanu Reeves has been demoted to the #2 spot in my life. Chadwick Boseman is my new fake husband. Keanu is now the back up.
  2. What is the most effective way to recruit someone to manage a food pantry. A unpaid position that if the proper amount of time is put into is about the equivalent of a part time job.
  3. I need to figure out how to turn this blog into a lucrative career.
  4. I am always amazed by how easily people can turn another’s life situation into something about them.
  5. I don’t care how pretty you are, vanity is ugly.

That’s it. That all I’ve got to say.

Breakup to Makeup


There’s a video on YouTube called “God I’m Breaking Up with You.” I am sure I have seen/listened to this video at least ten times today. The first three and one-half minutes is so powerful, I feel the pain and emotions that come with the words she speaks, the anger and annoyance when one asks God why. “Why have I come here only to be faced with this. I did not ask to be “knitted together” in my mother’s womb and if you were only bringing me to this earth to be disappointed, hurt and misused from early on, you could have left me wherever I was.” Things I have said to God over the years. July 2011 until 2016 were a struggle, a lot happened in those years, but I know most of it was God trying to get my attention. I am a preacher’s kid so “I know better” but I was never much interested in doing better. Somewhere in there I decided maybe I did need Jesus in my life, I committed myself to living better, reading the bible, daily prayer times, all those things saved people do. However, in late 2015 spilling over into 2016 a flood gate was opened and it all got to be too much for me and I told God, I am done. I just cannot with you. I still went to church, fulfilled my duties, I still read, prayed a little, mostly to tell God how he’d screwed up my life. I started telling people I had gotten into some negative thinking, but I was ok with that. I was going through the motions mostly not caring about any of it but there was this one small part of me that would not let go. (Hebrews 10:23)


I was mad at that part of me because I was done, it was over. All the church people were talking about how God uses your testimony to help others, I want to know why I must endure foolishness so someone else can be encouraged, why can’t they endure as I did? Honestly, I am still not ok with that and every time someone tells me such a thing I have to walk away, hearing those words incite anger in me.  The point is that although I still believed in the Creator I did not trust that he really cared how our lives on this earth played out, or that there was even a point to it all. As long as I acknowledged God’s existence I was good. I had a head nod relationship with God because there was no way he was that interested in me. If he was why was I in so much pain?


Then comes Summer 2017. Time Warner is now Spectrum and they need new customers. The cable guy shows up to my house he is supposed to be selling me cable, but he says to me. That he feels God has something to say to me. He tells me 1) reaping does not always look like reaping. It took me by surprise because just a few days earlier I had come to the conclusion that all those things I did way back when were catching up to me. He said when I was done reaping great things would happen, but I had to go through this time in my life and 2) while I am going through this I must Be still and know that God is God. I stood on the porch and cried in front of the cable guy, that was sent here from Ethiopia by God to minister, that knew my name is Hebrew and means God is good, I don’t cry and I especially don’t cry in front of people. I went in the house, sat on the couch and here I am. I still don’t understand all of what is going on around me, I am talking to God again, but the best part is when you are still you are better able to listen and if you are listening you can hear. This chapter of my life is almost over.

Its only temporary



Relationships are tricky, we maneuver through life in various types of relationships our entire lives. It starts with our parents and other close family members. The bonds or lack there of, formed in those relationships directly affect how the relationships with the “strangers” that show up in our lives will go. If we are lucky we will find that one perfect “stranger” that we’ll decide would be better suited as family, get married and build another branch on the family tree. Relationships are a fact of life, sometimes relationships hurt. Hurt is also a fact of life.

Its up to us what we do with hurt. We can hold on to it, pretend that keeping it close in our memories is protecting us from future hurt. Holding on isn’t really keeping us protected, hurt compounds. Holding on allows us to turn the smallest, most insignificant thing into a huge issue and from there we add another layer. Those layers continue to build until one day they are so thick no one can get in and we ourselves are unable to get out. The layers have become walls and will have to be broken. Breaking is not a fun nor easy thing to do. The other option is to let hurt go. To examine what happened, the role we played in it, develop a prevention plan for next time and take a chance on living. Its scary and it may hurt but like everything else in life, the pain is only temporary.

About last night

580383_10200682868573149_923908864_nBack in the summer when I was looking for a job I was worried about what the rest of my life would look like and if I would miss my opportunity to make a difference. That’s all I want to do with my life, make a difference in the lives of others. I knew that I no longer wanted to work in social services, I love working with and helping people but I cannot do it 40 hours a week. While the job I had was needed and helpful to many, I didn’t always feel as if I was helping. The system sometimes works against everyone involved. As a result, I looked for an office job. Something that would pay me what I needed to live and allow me the time to do the things that I wanted. I know many people say that we should work our passions but sometimes a job is just a job and that’s all it needs to be. In late August I started working at the children’s hospital. Its a non-profit and there are many opportunities for volunteering within the organization, the pay could be better but really other than that it’s the perfect job for me. Still I was worried, how will I help others and fulfill that personal need in my life. I took sometime to pray about this, I needed some direction maybe there was an organization or a church with a program I could get involved with. I needed God to tell me what my next move was to be. His response, you are already doing it. I thought about that for a minute and all the young ladies I have had the pleasure of talking with and helping throughout the years came to mind. What do you know I’ve been making a difference in the lives of others for quite some time. Still, I had times when I wondered if the things I said and did really mattered to them, was I deluding myself? Then on Saturday night I went to a friends costume party. I haven’t seen her in a few years and we only say hi on Facebook every once in a while. When we worked together, more that 3 years ago now, we would have these deep, real conversations where we unpacked the realness of who we were and why and shared the wisdom we had each learned from life lived. At the party Saturday I was one of the first guests to arrive. I didn’t know anyone there, I only came to see my friend, not to stay, she was still upstairs getting ready. I sat on the couch for about 20 minutes playing on my phone,  my friend finally made it down stairs and when she saw me she screamed and jumped into my lap and just sat there hugging me tight until I told her to get up. After that the other guests at the party became more interested in who I was, what made me special enough for that dramatic of a greeting. Her reaction was everything for me, it let me know that I was truly making a difference and I realized how much I love her. I think about her and pray for her often because I want the best for her life. It took going to my first Halloween party for me to see myself through someone’s else’s eyes, the best part, I liked what I saw.

That was the clarity, now on to the opportunity.

My grandmother used to always tell me I needed a husband and two or three babies and I would be fine. She swore I was happier when I had a man in my life,(not at all untrue) and would always encourage me to make the effort to find somebody to love. So when I met Mr. L and learned that he had three kids, my first thought was that granny had something to do with this. Saturday night, before the party, Mr. L and I met up. I am not calling it an official date, his grandma had the kids for a couple of hours which gave us a little while to talk. The conversation flowed nicely, nothing was forced and there were no awkward silences. We talked about life, were we are, where we have been, where we are going. It was nice. We were hanging out at his place and with no phone call, no warning, his granny decided she was done with the kids and suddenly there were three young girls, full of energy coming through the door. I think the little one and I are BFF’s now. I wasn’t prepared for “family time” so I decided to go home. Which turned into a 20 minute conversation in the parking lot of his apartment complex, where for some odd reason he decided to pick me up. I am no little girl, so the fact that he successfully did this impressed me. Up about 8 feet off the ground all I felt was excited. I wasn’t scared or worried that he would drop me. I didn’t care if anyone was watching, I was living in the moment and I enjoyed every bit of it. When he let me down I told him we were getting married, he laughed so that’s a good sign…right?

Gaining clarity and taking opportunity, there’s no better way to spend a Saturday night.

Just wait and see

In a bold move this weekend I gave my number to someone. I never give out my number and have on occasion told men that I was happy with Jesus in my life, I had no room for them. However,  this guy is nice, cute, his granny and my granny were pretty good friends, I figured it was worth the chance. But this morning the anxiety hit me. As much as I like this guy and want to get to know him more, I am scared. He is a single dad. Single dads come with a lot of extras; ex-wives, ex-girlfriends,  baby’s momma, full schedules that leave barely any time for socializing. This particular single dad comes with an ex-wife and three girls ages 12, 10 and 6. I’m pretty sure they won’t like me, if this even gets that far. Besides that I have never dated a single dad and never someone with children so young. Adult children, that’s what I am used to. I don’t know what to expect of him, I don’t know what to expect of myself but I do know that my last real relationship ended in 2009, I rarely like anyone enough to entertain the idea of dating them and I am a lot more capable than I give myself credit for. I’ll just wait and see what unfolds.