Sometimes God answers prayers and we act surprised.

I have been dealing with a lot of personal conflict lately. Its mostly selfishness on my part. I want what I want, in the time and manner that I want it. I don’t tell people, but I am a brat. My entire life feels like a punishment, I didn’t get to have parents, I grew up in an environment that made me feel invisible and devalued, for whatever reason I have never been pregnant, though I have never attempted to prevent pregnancy, my body has taken on illness at a young age, now I am working overtime to determine the why and effective methods of control. The church crowd will say, everything happens for a reason and that God will use my testimony to help others. I asked God why I have to be the one to help others through their mess. I don’t want to be the one that struggles and spends entire nights in tears just so someone else can feel better about their situation. If I have to work through it why cant they. I really did say that. Then I heard the song “Thy Will be Done” by Hillary Scott. That one line ” I know you’re good, but this don’t feel good right now.”, was everything for me. Hillary Scott – Thy Will Be Done There is purpose in pain. Maybe I need a different view on life, stop being a brat.

After three years of tears and well hidden anger, I asked God for a baby I didn’t have to pay for (adoption is pricey) and someone to be supportive of and concerned for me, someone that will give to me and not constantly take. All of a sudden,  I am face to face with both of these people. At first I thought it may be some cruel joke, because of the way my life has gone I’ve trained myself to look for the tragedy. However, it seems this may be the for real, a huge smile is slowly forming on my face.  November comes fast, I need a for real job and a list of boy names.

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Who I Am

I am more than a body.

I am a mind

I am a heart

I am a complex array of feelings

I am complicated.

 

I am more than just a beautiful face

I am intelligent

I am a thinker

I am a doer

I am accomplished.

 

I am more than something to be desired.

I am passionate

I am intense

I am determined.

I am woman, I am me.

 

 

Lovers

I admire people that are lovers. It doesn’t matter if they have been hurt or how often they have tried to love and failed, they still manage to love again. Too many of us give up on love because losing love, getting hurt, feels so bad. Physical pain occurs when a love it lost. It keeps one up at night, causes tears that seem to never end, and creates a sense of diminished self-worth. All these things makes it hard to love again but once you get past the hurt, there are the awesome memories of the good times. The things that make one smile and long to be in love. The bad feelings are temporary, the good memories are forever. Its worth the risk to love again.

I admire lovers.

Desperately trying to get out of bed

I didn’t realize how sad I was until my grandmother died. Its as if the day she died every moment of grief I have ever experienced in my entire life bubbled to the surface and spilled out of me. I cried over things that happened 34 years ago as well as for things that I have only recently found out about. I found emotions I did not know I had. If I had to describe this time in my life with one phrase it would be “Desperately trying to get out of bed”.

We all have days where we wake up and just pull the covers back over our heads. Sometimes its because we were up too late the night before, sometimes we dread what we know we have to face that day and sometimes its because of overwhelming sadness that wont allow us to function easily, if at all. That’s where I am, life has been a lot of effort lately and most days I would rather not participate. Sure, when I am up and moving around I look like I am doing ok. I laugh, I talk, I show great concern for others but when I get home, I hide in my room, lay in my bed and cry. I cry because I am mourning, I mourn the loss of my mother who I never knew, I don’t know her voice, her laugh or her smell. I mourn never having the opportunity to be a daughter to loving full time parents. I mourn my unborn and likely never born children. I mourn the decline of my health. I worry about the what ifs. What if this is my life when I am 60? Who will take care of my brother if…? I worry that I am a failure, That I have wasted my life and didn’t even realize it until now. Am I good enough for tomorrow? Do I really even care?

Tomorrow I plan to wake up and get up. That’s a good sign and a good start. I don’t know what happens after that but at least I will be out of bed.

The last two years have been rough on me.

Time to heal

Do you have a safe place to stay tonight?
I ask that question a few times a day. As a society we put a lot of thought into physical safety. Doctors ask if the patient feels safe at home,  there are an abundance of signs and warning labels, telling us how to walk on ice, use every day products. However, we don’t give nearly as much attention to emotional safety. We don’t ask if people have someone trusted they can talk to. So many are holding in emotional pain, they are sad, angry, depressed but they put on their game face and tell the world they are ok. We celebrate being strong, “They are so brave”, society says as an individual is hurting inside. We encourage unquestioned acceptance, “Everything happens for a reason”. No one is ever given permission to say, “I don’t like this.”, “Life is not fair.”, “I think I may be depressed.” These statements are met with unsolicited advice not a listening ear. The hearer dismisses the pain because we are not to be weak, for some reason feelings are perceived as weak, we are to be strong, forgetting the events of yesterday, treating them as if years have gone passed and we have had time to heal.

Healing does not come until we are honest about our feelings. Not until we feel free enough to say; I am depressed. I feel like I have lost my mother three times. Once when she died, again when my father died and lastly when my grandmother died; can we heal.

 

Year in Review

2015 was a year of emotion. As you all know it started out heavy with my grandmother dying and me privately suffering through it all. Etched in my brain is the hug I gave my grandmother right before she stopped talking, she was lying in her hospital bed, I laid across her and told her I loved her, not expecting her to say anything back when she whispered, I love you too. I laid there and cried I knew we were at the end. She patted my back; the moment was just so sweet. That’s the way I remember my grandmother, the way I will always remember her, she loved me too.

 In the time that followed I grieved hard. Lots of tears, lots of pain, lots of not knowing what was next for me. I had to reorder my entire life. Granny was such a large part of who I was and what I was doing. I had defined myself through my role in her life and without her I was lost. I spent the summer doing things I thought I may like. I found out I love yoga and I like pottery so long as I do not feel obligated to create something. Sometimes it’s enough just to move the clay around. In the fall I began to focus on work and think about moving. I realized I really love what I do, I empower people, I help individuals find the means to a better life.

In the winter I plan to begin taking courses toward a graduate degree in Human Resources Management. With the knowledge and skills I earn from my studies I will work as an employment consultant in a staffing agency, as a corporate recruiter then eventually begin my own staffing agency. I will continue to empower.

Aside from settling on a career, I put more new windows in my house this year, only four left to replace. I also came up with a five year plan to pay off the mortgage, a new design for the kitchen and a plan for the dining room. Remodel will begin in the spring.

I’ve met some really great people this year co-workers, friends and clients. I include friends in this list because I have been more open in relationships this year and as a result I’ve learned more about the people I already knew I loved. People at all levels of life are pretty awesome; they all need to be given a chance. Also, with no details to be given, I have loved foolishly but purposefully this year. No clue why but all things happen for a reason, we don’t always get to know the reason and I am ok if I don’t see the end result of what my care and concern for another person produces. More empowering of people.

This year has been bittersweet. I still and probably always will cry when I think of granny I miss her. Her laugh, smile, sassiness. However, I also found new parts of me, for that I am excited.  In 2016 I’ll see where that goes.