Desperately trying to get out of bed

I didn’t realize how sad I was until my grandmother died. Its as if the day she died every moment of grief I have ever experienced in my entire life bubbled to the surface and spilled out of me. I cried over things that happened 34 years ago as well as for things that I have only recently found out about. I found emotions I did not know I had. If I had to describe this time in my life with one phrase it would be “Desperately trying to get out of bed”.

We all have days where we wake up and just pull the covers back over our heads. Sometimes its because we were up too late the night before, sometimes we dread what we know we have to face that day and sometimes its because of overwhelming sadness that wont allow us to function easily, if at all. That’s where I am, life has been a lot of effort lately and most days I would rather not participate. Sure, when I am up and moving around I look like I am doing ok. I laugh, I talk, I show great concern for others but when I get home, I hide in my room, lay in my bed and cry. I cry because I am mourning, I mourn the loss of my mother who I never knew, I don’t know her voice, her laugh or her smell. I mourn never having the opportunity to be a daughter to loving full time parents. I mourn my unborn and likely never born children. I mourn the decline of my health. I worry about the what ifs. What if this is my life when I am 60? Who will take care of my brother if…? I worry that I am a failure, That I have wasted my life and didn’t even realize it until now. Am I good enough for tomorrow? Do I really even care?

Tomorrow I plan to wake up and get up. That’s a good sign and a good start. I don’t know what happens after that but at least I will be out of bed.

The last two years have been rough on me.

Time to heal

Do you have a safe place to stay tonight?
I ask that question a few times a day. As a society we put a lot of thought into physical safety. Doctors ask if the patient feels safe at home,  there are an abundance of signs and warning labels, telling us how to walk on ice, use every day products. However, we don’t give nearly as much attention to emotional safety. We don’t ask if people have someone trusted they can talk to. So many are holding in emotional pain, they are sad, angry, depressed but they put on their game face and tell the world they are ok. We celebrate being strong, “They are so brave”, society says as an individual is hurting inside. We encourage unquestioned acceptance, “Everything happens for a reason”. No one is ever given permission to say, “I don’t like this.”, “Life is not fair.”, “I think I may be depressed.” These statements are met with unsolicited advice not a listening ear. The hearer dismisses the pain because we are not to be weak, for some reason feelings are perceived as weak, we are to be strong, forgetting the events of yesterday, treating them as if years have gone passed and we have had time to heal.

Healing does not come until we are honest about our feelings. Not until we feel free enough to say; I am depressed. I feel like I have lost my mother three times. Once when she died, again when my father died and lastly when my grandmother died; can we heal.

 

Year in Review

2015 was a year of emotion. As you all know it started out heavy with my grandmother dying and me privately suffering through it all. Etched in my brain is the hug I gave my grandmother right before she stopped talking, she was lying in her hospital bed, I laid across her and told her I loved her, not expecting her to say anything back when she whispered, I love you too. I laid there and cried I knew we were at the end. She patted my back; the moment was just so sweet. That’s the way I remember my grandmother, the way I will always remember her, she loved me too.

 In the time that followed I grieved hard. Lots of tears, lots of pain, lots of not knowing what was next for me. I had to reorder my entire life. Granny was such a large part of who I was and what I was doing. I had defined myself through my role in her life and without her I was lost. I spent the summer doing things I thought I may like. I found out I love yoga and I like pottery so long as I do not feel obligated to create something. Sometimes it’s enough just to move the clay around. In the fall I began to focus on work and think about moving. I realized I really love what I do, I empower people, I help individuals find the means to a better life.

In the winter I plan to begin taking courses toward a graduate degree in Human Resources Management. With the knowledge and skills I earn from my studies I will work as an employment consultant in a staffing agency, as a corporate recruiter then eventually begin my own staffing agency. I will continue to empower.

Aside from settling on a career, I put more new windows in my house this year, only four left to replace. I also came up with a five year plan to pay off the mortgage, a new design for the kitchen and a plan for the dining room. Remodel will begin in the spring.

I’ve met some really great people this year co-workers, friends and clients. I include friends in this list because I have been more open in relationships this year and as a result I’ve learned more about the people I already knew I loved. People at all levels of life are pretty awesome; they all need to be given a chance. Also, with no details to be given, I have loved foolishly but purposefully this year. No clue why but all things happen for a reason, we don’t always get to know the reason and I am ok if I don’t see the end result of what my care and concern for another person produces. More empowering of people.

This year has been bittersweet. I still and probably always will cry when I think of granny I miss her. Her laugh, smile, sassiness. However, I also found new parts of me, for that I am excited.  In 2016 I’ll see where that goes.

Joyeux Noel

I’m such a scrooge, thats what I tell everyone. In reality I’m just sad but saying I’m sad will just bring down the room, I dont want to do that. 

On December 30, 1978 my mother died. I was too young to have any memories of her or of the events of that time but every year around Thanksgiving an overwhelming sadness traps me and holds tight until after the new year has begun.

I’m sad and I dont know that I can or that I even want to not be sad.  It is in my sadness that I know her, that I feel her, that I know, that at one point there was someone that loved me unconditionally, my sadness is the only thing that makes her real.

I dont want to bring down the room so… goodnight.

 

Tomorrow

I’ve been doing some combination of working and going to school for the last 21 years.  It’s true that I am burn out on it all. I am stuck here in a life where I’m expected to find a job I love and work it for the next 20 years.  Fall in love with a successful man, have a couple kids and settle into a nice quiet life. Eventually I would by a cemetery plot and die in the home where I raised my children.  Leaving this world without seeing the rest of it does not seem like a successful life to me.

I want to back pack across Europe,  safari in Africa,  learn history from the locals rather than from a book.  I want to experience life become a citizen of the world. I don’t know where to start.

I was raised with the knowledge of hard work,  family and church.  Right now at this moment none of those things interest me. I need an easy way to make money, I love my family,  always will but unless they are ready to journey with me, we’ll just have to write letters for now. My relationship with God will always be intact,  church can wait.

I don’t know what I will do. I don’t have travel money.  I thought about being a missionary but… I’m not sure.  I could marry rich, I could marry someone from far away or I could make myself comfortable. All I know for sure is that I’ve always been restless.  Some years it’s easier to hide than others, but it’s always been there.

Answers come when we least expect them. I’m expecting an uneventful Sunday tomorrow.
ricksteves.com

The fight.

I’ve endured a lot in this life. It feels like I’ve been fighting since the day I was born. I’ve fought for everything I have and opted not to fight for what I don’t have.  Lately I’ve been struggling with a decision,  I want a child but I can’t just get pregnant,  it’ll take money and time. Then when I am pregnant I’ll be high risk from day one,  not because of my age but because of health. It seems unfair that I have to work for what other people get “on accident”. I didn’t feel that I have any fight left in me, I had decided to be content not being a mother,  I had resigned myself not to fight. But Friday morning I woke up to a Facebook notification, a friend had sent me an article about a single woman that decided to adopt a child on her own.  She chose to become a single mother. I cried reading the article,  I  realized that my self pity had caused me to give up on my happiness,  my purpose in life.  I have so much love in me and who better to give it to than a little girl that’s been through a  lot in her short life, a little girl in the midst of a fight.
I needed the reassurance that article gave. I needed to know that I  am needed, that something in this world would be missing if I was not here.
I don’t know where my daughter is or her name but I love her already.
I’m renewed, reassured,  I have found my fight.

Random thoughts to start the weekend

All the things swirling through my mind in the last 24 hours.

  1. Codependency is a real thing
  2. Depression is exhausting
  3. Women have mommy issues too
  4. In order to reach a goal one has to work toward it
  5. The signs/symptoms of cervical cancer just look like stomach problems
  6. Eye drops are awesome
  7. I’ve become dependent on night-time sleep aids. I wonder how long it would take for my body to adjust to falling asleep without them. Can I fall asleep without them?
  8. I love what I do but I don’t want to do it professionally any more.
  9. This year has been bittersweet.
  10. I’m starting a story club, what do I call it?